Family Matters - Latest Comments

Re: Video Games Violence (1): Shock and Awe

ronitbaras — Fri, 02 Mar 2018 02:31:31 -0000

Not long ago, I received a letter in the post, from a man who wanted to comment on this series about video games and violence. He obviously didn't want to write me here in the comment box so he took the time to write, put my address, pay for a stamp and send it from the USA to Australia.

I like it. I appreciate the effort. I think what he wrote had a point and I wrote him back. So, first, I will not reveal his name. Let's call him Leo.

Leo wanted to protest on my series and here is what he wrote:

Dear Ronit Baras,

My name is Leo and I'm writing to yo regarding your article(s) about the effect of video games violence relating to real world violence. video game violence and real world violence are hardly related. Think about it. IF violent video games causes aggressive behavior than the world would've already been thrown to chaos. a study found by NPD stated that 91% of US children age 2-17 play video games ( 64 million) and with over 50 million copies of GTA 5 sold worldwide, there would've been at least thousands of more reports of real world violence because of video games...

The kids and teens reported in illegal activities were only reported of playing violent games, there was no research done ton their home life . Many of other problems such as poor parenting , drug addiction or parental abuse that could have affected these teens behavior. Researchers Dimitri Williams and Marko M. Skoric state in an article about about video violence that "the finding did not support the assertion that violent games will cause substantial increases in real world aggression" .

Another study done by psychology of violence state that "In a series of experiments in which video games were matched to competitiveness, difficulty and pace of action, researchers found video games violence alone did not elevate aggressive behavior. however , more competitive games produced greater levels of aggressive behavior than less competitive games , o matter how much violence was in the games "

Aggressive thoughts from video games are caused more by competitive aspect of the game and not the violence and never so spot have probably even more competitive things involved and people don'gt murder other for a soccer ball.

I am not against keeping some games from children's hands but not every game is automatically bad because it contains a drop of blood. Don't ignore the rating , but kids can handle a splash of blood across the screen without going and robbing and elderly women. Keep M rated games out of children's hand, they are not able to tell fantasy violence from real world violence till about age 7. But don't restrict games because of their violence. Most games make kids more creative, so let teens play violent games, just don't ignore the rating, they are there for a reason

Sincerely,
Leo

Here is my reply to Leo (I did sent it to him by mail , on paper, with stamp and went to the post office...):

Dear Leo,

First I wanted to say that I appreciate you taking the time to write me a letter about my article about the effect of video games violence.
It is not usual that people use snail mail to response. I do appreciate it.

You sent the letter a while ago and I wanted to reply , so you won’t think I don’t care. I do! ( sorry it took me a while)

Your statement that if video games would cause aggressive behavior than the world would be in total chaos is not correct. The world is in fact moving towards more sophisticated way of manipulation. In general , the world was more cruel in the past. Wars in the past were way, way more aggressive. People in war raped, slaughtered, burned down, beheaded… We are not talking about this kind of aggressiveness.

Things we see impact glands in our body. It is true for things we see in real life or in movies or video games. If we are exposed to violence, we exhaust our endocrine system which is reacting to every input to our mind.

If you see something flying straight towards you, you move your head as a reaction, even if this is just a 3D arrow, flying towards you. Just watch 3D movies and how everyone in the audience moves their body when something flies towards them. They know it is not real but they still move their head in fear. The body reacts even if you know it is not real.

Violence in movies, video games is not translated to the same form of violence, it is translated to indifference, to lack of empathy, to stereotyping, to aggression and it is a brain function.

Gamers are addicted to the adrenaline rush and they go through withdrawal symptoms when they don’t have that “substance” anymore. It is like a drug. It may not be similar behaviour to the behaviour of the character in the video game but will exhausts the adrenal glands and will make people snappy, impatient and even bullies.

It is true that those who find refuge in video games to the level of addiction have something in their family life that turned it into an outlet. You are right! There are other factors and video games are just an addition to it. It only triggers some of the dysfunctional non healthy home environment.

Leo, Nothing stands alone! There is no point saying it. There is no factor in the world that stands alone. Researchers will never be able to prove that video games promotes violence the same as they won’t be able to prove it is not a factor. There are many factors involved and we can’t tell which one of them is the cause and which is the effect because they are probably intertwined. We can only focus on what we can change. Now! It gives us a feeling our life is in control.

True, competitiveness in sport is also a problem and the aggression is a result of low Emotional Intelligence. We don’t talk about murderers , we talk about aggression. Just take an x-box or stop a child or adult from playing a computer game, video game, watching TV and see aggression in action! No, they don’t murder their mum for it but they are snappy, they find it hard to manage their emotions, they are aggressive!

I agree that not all games are bad. I think some of them are helpful in the development of children. ( and kids will be aggressive even if you ask them to stop playing great games).

Why would kids need to handle a splash of blood at all? Why blood needs to be part of their life? Do you think it prepares them to life? Will it make them better versions of themselves?

I disagree about the age where kids can tell the difference between real and fantasy. I think some grownups don’t have the filters to realize when they are not in touch with reality.

I have had a discussion with my 16 year old daughter watching CSI and telling me “ Mum, This is part of life. Those things are part of reality “. I was not 16 years old and this was not part of my reality. My daughter was smart healthy girl and after watching it for so long, made her think that crime, cruelty, sick people, danger is part of life. It is not!!!!!!!!

It is a movie and it shows on TV every week, several times a week, there is CSI New York, CSI Miami, CSI Turkey…

It takes hundreds of people to film a movie with millions of takes and people watching it feel inadequate they don’t have the immediate smart answer when someone says something rude to them.

Read about Anorexia and how the media made girls think that if they are not skinny like a stick, something is wrong with them.
So, no, people can’t tell the difference. The brain can’t tell the difference.

Creativity is when the brain needs to solve problems not when it is watching something.

Yes, some video games turn on the creativity mode but hand eye coordination is not creativity. Creativity involves parts of the brain that video games are maybe a small, very small fraction of it.

Any form of art when you create something is 100 times more creative than playing a game someone else created for you to navigate in. Make video games, this is creative!

Sorry if it sounded like I’m against all video games. I am not. I’m against polluting kids’ mind to make them easy consumers and make them less friendly, less communicative and no, communicating with other gamers is not communication. For communication to happen, you need face to face interaction in order to read body language and tone of voice. Computer connections lacks this part which is 93% of communication.

Thanks again for writing.

Happy day
Ronit

Re: How to Release Negative Emotions: 10 Constructive and Healthy Ways

ronitbaras — Mon, 05 Feb 2018 07:07:58 -0000

Hi Andy,
The whole articles had different ways of doing it.
Pick one strategy and use it. When this is part of your life, pick another strategy. I promise, by the time you'll get to the third, some of the negative feelings will fade.

Go read related articles, there are many practical ways described throughout this site.
Good luck!
Ronit

Re: Save your marriage: Best Marriage Quotes

ronitbaras — Thu, 01 Feb 2018 18:39:26 -0000

Love this!!!!!!!!!!!

Re: Kids are Such a Burden

ronitbaras — Tue, 30 Jan 2018 07:50:40 -0000

Great idea to go out and have some fun with the kids.
I think mothers learn ( the hard way ) that what others think is only adding pressure on life.

So, put this sign somewhere visible and memorize it!
What others think about you, is none of your business!!!!!!!!!!!!
Life is hard trying to please others. Even pleasing the kids is problematic if you get no pleasure out of it. This is the way to give birth to resentment.

My own daughter gave birth to a baby girl 10 month ago. She is a psychologist and for those 10 month, the brain just gets' numb, clear the little mental space to caring and loving for an adorable baby and it is hard, being torn between giving, giving, giving and wanting something for ourselves.

My biggest tip is: get a good night sleep!! do everything so the kids sleep the whole night and you get sufficient sleep and if you have some spare time, do something to yourself.
Be kind to yourself!

Re: How to Release Negative Emotions: 10 Constructive and Healthy Ways

Andy Mansfield — Fri, 12 Jan 2018 14:31:56 -0000

How do you get them out of you though

Re: Kids are Such a Burden

Thorin — Mon, 18 Dec 2017 12:15:46 -0000

You are a single mother of 3??? At 24? Woman, I don't know how you do this. Me and my wife were already going nuts with 1 and now we have 2 and it's even crazier, but even with 1 I gained great admiration for single-moms. Stop worrying about your weight so much, you probably barely have time to watch a show, let alone exercise or something. Myself I gained like 30lbs in a year, I was quite fit before my 1st but then it's such a cut to free time that now I really don't wanna exercise when I find some off-time or I'm just too tired, and I eat junk food because it boosts my mood among all these problems.

Like Ronit is saying before, make sure you try to talk to people and get some support if you can, from family or friends, otherwise it's super-tough.

From me, a concrete advise and 1 step towards improvement would be this - stop thinking what people think about your appearance and TAKE YOUR KIDS OUT! This will benefit everyone because you won't feel like you're trapped at home and they will have fun. They can't just sit at daycare/home all the time. So it benefits you and the kids and it doesn't matter how it affects other people's perceptions of your family.

Re: Little MacGyvers – Kids Who Talk to Themselves

AiR Solaja — Tue, 05 Dec 2017 05:02:48 -0000

Re: Little MacGyvers – Kids Who Talk to Themselves

ronitbaras — Mon, 04 Dec 2017 20:11:10 -0000

Thank you, Thank you Air Solaja for your comment. So true! So insightful. You are an inspiring parent and I thank you for writing !
Thanks for the photos and quote.
This is the special Education Quote!
If you ask me, it should be the education quote.
Education based on needs is sensitive and effective.
If only parents got rid of the "one size fits all" mentality, we could see so much beauty around.
Thank you again!
Ronit

Re: Little MacGyvers – Kids Who Talk to Themselves

AiR Solaja — Mon, 04 Dec 2017 15:20:46 -0000

Hi all,
our son is 7 , soon to be 8, and he has to devote every day at least 1 h, if not more , to do "self-talk". We are very happy that he asks us to do this, he is always supported to do self-talk 'sessions'. He goes to the room (or quiet place, where people will not interrupt him ), and there he has conversation with real or imaginary characters, ranging from real friends from school (recreating and and expending on passed conversations) or imaginary friends (talking about events he likes, tv shows, praising his actions during the day (skateboarding success etc).
His IQ was tested last year, and his scores are around 175. He loves math, science, he is interested in planets. But in saying this ,he is very social kid, that has a lovely circle of friends, but the audity is in the fact that he started talking when he was 5 years old, and we had so much 'fun' during the speech therapy , from early interventive one, to extended one(once he started school).
https://uploads.disquscdn.c...
All in , all is good now, his speech is fine, literacy fine, reading skills at the appropriate level for his age...but all the stress that people tend to put on you , as you child might not fit the ‘average type’ can be daunting. All you can to is to join your set of informations, evaluate what experts in the field have to say and listen to your instinct = bring your own conclusions based on those 3 factors.
https://uploads.disquscdn.c...

Re: I Believe in You (4): The letters

pitertink — Thu, 30 Nov 2017 08:10:26 -0000

thera are letters with a great motivation for people who lose their faith.

Re: 20 Things Teens Say to Set Parents Off

ronitbaras — Tue, 28 Nov 2017 01:29:50 -0000

Ember,

You sound very very very upset.
If you didn't say you were autistic, everything you wrote, would have been "I"m angry to the max" but as autistic, not being able to read between the lines of an expression of feeling, I can understand why for you whatever is said, is just it!!!!!! ( and worse)

To any expression there are layers. One part is on the surface and the other is underneath. Most statements of teens described in this post, were not responsible.

Responsible = I have a feeling and I know that I give a meaning to every thing in life.
Not responsible = I have a feeling and I need to blame someone/ something or justify it , with the hope that If I throw it on someone, I will be relieved of the burden of carrying those feelings.

Sadly, blame or justification does not make the feeling go away ( trust me, I was there. I was a teenager once. I wish it did make it go away. Never does! )
Teens have lots of feelings that they need to manage.
The more emotionally intelligent they are, the more they take control by not blaming others and more empowered and strong they become.

I've been working with many kids and teens in my life. I have met many , many of them who were more responsible than the person you are describing.

I can hear that life is tough for you and your parents, didn't do a good job at marketing their life philosophy because you totally reject it.
I do hope that one day, when you are more calm and brave to face the angry, resenting feelings you have towards your parents, you'll find that with many of their mistakes, they loved you very much.

May the force be with you!
Ronit

Re: 20 Things Teens Say to Set Parents Off

ronitbaras — Tue, 28 Nov 2017 01:16:12 -0000

Sure is!!!!!!!!!!!!

Re: Bully Parents

bluELFsuma — Tue, 28 Nov 2017 00:23:01 -0000

Thank you.

Re: Bully Parents

ronitbaras — Tue, 28 Nov 2017 00:20:46 -0000

Hi Bluelfsuma,

When you experience such thing, it does not matter that others have it worst.
You need to remember that bullies are very sad people because they are weak and don't have any other way to communicate.
I think no father should call his child a bitch or not to anyone else.
Insults are just a dysfunctional way to gain imaginary power he is missing.
Think of it that way:
If I told you you are a fairy, would that make you a fairy?
If I told you you are a frog, would that make you a frog?
If your dad says that you are a waste of time, does it say something about you or something about him?
It means he is not using his time wisely!!!!!!!!!! ( raising you properly)

If you had a chance to read the series, confidence is the best way to get rid of bullies.
Bullies find a weakness and then they ride on it, again and again.
The second it won't bother you, he'll stop.
How to gain confidence:
Find people that think highly of you.
Hang around others saying kind things to you.
Have a hobby and be good at it.
Find something pleasing to do to take your mind away from such memories.
Do not reply to him when he says nasty things, take a deep breath and remind yourself that his words, do not define you.

Keep reading in the blog on how to boost your confidence and remember that you have a whole life around you , you can leave home when the time comes and feel sorry for him that he was so miserable.
The life we live with our parents is short, compared to the life outside. Remember that! 18 years at home and 70 years outside. it'll pass in a flash.

Hang in there!
Ronit

Re: Bully Parents

bluELFsuma — Fri, 24 Nov 2017 00:25:04 -0000

I'd probably say I fit in the Continuous Criticism category. I know it's not as terrible as many other people's experiences, but it still sucks. My father constantly finds something to shit on me for. He even bullied me for my KNEES. MY KNEES. I was talking with my mom about the shape of our knees and he said my knees are shaped the way they are because I don't exercise enough. And to clarify, my knees were always this shape, even before I gained weight. Over time, these insults just stack up. His favorite word for me is 'bitch'. The worst one was probably when he told me I was a 'waste of time'. I think that was in January, but it feels like it was last night. I'm so stressed all the time and I hide in my room because I just don't want to hear it. Of course, he's right: I'm stupid, fat, and ugly, but I don't want to hear it repeated to me every day. Sorry, but I needed to vent.

Re: 20 Things Teens Say to Set Parents Off

Ember Hermin — Sun, 19 Nov 2017 18:21:39 -0000

School is way different than it used to be.

Re: 20 Things Teens Say to Set Parents Off

Ember Hermin — Sun, 19 Nov 2017 18:18:04 -0000

News flash: children and teenagers are humans. They speak the same language as other humans. Personally, I am autistic, so I tend to say exactly what I mean moreso than other people, but...
“I am bored” is really “I am bored. I am making this statement because I don't know what else to do because I am bored.”
“I hate you” really means “I hate you.”
“I hate school” means “I hate school. This is not an invitation to ask me what 'happened'. What happened was that I went to school and I hated it because normal school activities (such as frustrating busywork or putting up with the teachers and other students) happened.”
“I can do whatever I want” means “I should be allowed to make decisions for myself since I am going to have to do that as an adult, and your excessive control of me is preventing me from developing confidence and independence.”
“You never give me what I want” means “I need or want something from you and it is hard for me to convince you, so I am pointing out that you virtually never give me what I want.”
“No one loves me in this family” means “I don't believe anyone in this family loves me. Even if they say so, they are not convincing me.”
“I am going to run away” means “I hate my life with you so much that I am honestly considering running away. That would mean leaving behind financial security, food, shelter, etc., but I am so miserable that it seems like it would be worth it. Saying so out loud may be a way for me to vent my feelings or prevent myself from doing so.”
“You don’t care about me” means “Even if you say you care about me, you have not convinced me.”
“You are not my real Mom” (I have never had a stepmother, but I have said this to my mother, so this applies to that) means "I hate the way you are treating me so much, I find it difficult to believe you would treat your own offspring like this. I might wish I had different mother so that I could be raised by someone else who wouldn't do this to me." If used against an actual stepmother, I would probably mean it more like "I hate being mothered by you, and I am pointing out the fact that you aren't biologically related to me to get you to stop or back off."
“All the other kids get to go and I don’t” means “All the other kids get to go and I don’t. I am upset about not having this privilege that virtually all of my peers have.”
“I don’t have to listen to you” means “I should not be required to listen to you, since a lot of what you say is nonsense, hurts me, you just talk to much and I am exhausted, etc.”
“I am going to kill myself” means “I am considering suicide. Saying it out loud may be a way for me to vent my feelings or prevent myself from doing it.”
“You are cruel” means “You are cruel. Your love for me, if it even exists, is no excuse for your cruelty, so don't bother saying that you love me, because if I believe you, I will learn that it is okay to be cruel to people you love, an idea that would justify domestic abuse if I ever became a victim or a perpetrator.”
“You never let me do anything I want” means “I am frustrated that you virtually never let me do anything I want.”
“Why do I have to be so different?” means “I am frustrated with the fact that I am different. It could mean that I struggle with social isolation, but it could also mean that I struggle with academics or life skills in a world constructed for a certain type of person that I am not, or the way you treat me.”
“I don’t need you” means (if in general) “You seem to do more harm than good to me, so I might be better off without you.” or (if in regards to something specific) "I can do this without you. Don't helicopter or I'll never develop independence."
“I wish you would die” means “I wish that you would die, because I hate you that much or I honestly believe that my life would improve if you did.”
“I am not going to stay in this house” means “I am desperate to get out of this house because I hate living in it so much.”
“This life is not worth living” means “This life does not seem to be worth living. You may be the reason for that. Needing someone else's help to find something to live for may make me feel pathetically helpless and thus even worse.”
“It is all your fault” means “It is all your fault. You should feel guilty, take responsibility for your actions, apologize, and improve yourself, as I would hope you expect me to do if it were my fault.”

Re: You Can Change Your Life

ronitbaras — Mon, 13 Nov 2017 04:52:03 -0000

Jane,

I am glad you liked it.
Happy day
Ronit

Re: You Can Change Your Life

Jane Brewer — Mon, 13 Nov 2017 04:36:51 -0000

It's very amazing article for everyone to change their life.. thanks for sharing

Re: Bully Parents

ronitbaras — Tue, 07 Nov 2017 06:35:44 -0000

Laura,

You were wise to find a safe space to heal.
I think your suggestions are great!
Surrounding yourself with kind, loving, caring people, helps keep the belief that the abusive parent is the problem, has a problem and not you, like they try to tell you over and over again.

Thanks Laura for sharing and for the wonderful tips.
Happy day
Ronit

Re: Bully Parents

Laura Acton — Tue, 07 Nov 2017 02:44:07 -0000

Please see my reply below to ronitbaras meant for you.

Re: Bully Parents

Laura Acton — Tue, 07 Nov 2017 02:41:36 -0000

I had a horrible bully as a father and dealt with physical and emotional abuse regularly. I found a haven in my church youth group with a lovely youth club leader, singing in the school and church choirs which took up a couple of evenings a week in practice and of course out at the weekend with the youth group or church choir. That's my tip, find havens to go to at the weekend and evenings that are positive environments and keep out of the way of the abusive parent. Spend as little time as possible around them and don't say a word to them if they start to bully by being verbally abusive and taunting, just walk away and ignore them. Studying is really important for your future, stay behind in the school library to do your homework or study in your bedroom with the door closed. Good luck!

Re: 55 Ways to Save the Environment and Make a Difference

ronitbaras — Wed, 18 Oct 2017 00:46:11 -0000

Vegan is a a good way to do it as well!

Re: 55 Ways to Save the Environment and Make a Difference

Alvin Abing — Wed, 18 Oct 2017 00:42:25 -0000

why not just tell people to go #vegan?

Re: Life According to the Native American Code of Ethics

Gal Baras — Sun, 24 Sep 2017 22:18:58 -0000

This is not the point of the post, my friend. The point is that adopting the suggested list of positive values and habits will make the world a better place, and that's just as valid if the list was written in the 1970s.